Bloodsport: You can just tell this is going to be weird of a movie...
Don't get me wrong, it's not a bad movie...But it's not exactly a good movie. I mean the plot is simple, we honestly don't care about the cast other than Jean Claude Van Damme (simply because we have to see him in nearly every scene) and Bolo Yeung (simply because he really displays his character as an outragous douchebag), and screw the stuff outside the fight scenes because we came to watch the rather "Did more effort" enjoyable Fight Scenes in this film. The film makers cleary see this ain't going to be the next "Enter the Dragon" or "Karate Kid" so they did what they can and it came out more of a cult classic than some masterpiece. I mean at least it wasn't like that outragous movie that Van Damme also did called Street Fighter-
AGH!!! MY EYES!!! THE GOGGLES DO NOTHING!!!! Oo
...You know what, let's just get into Bloodsport.
Our film opens up as various martial artists from around the world practicing their skills for an event known as the Kumite (it's like Mortal Kombat, except you don't rip out people's spines out of their asses), which range from simple sparring, punching bags, ...Climbing into trees to crack coconuts...And plain out beat the living smeg out of people. You know, I'd say this is going to be a very weird of a movie than I thought it would be already.
So our main hero (aka Van Damme) is Frank Dux, a U.S. Soldier (I think?) gets word that his commanding officer figures out his plan for his trip to Hong Kong (obviously not to take part in an international death tournament...You can see I'm not trying on the sarcasm) and demands to talk to Dux. Dux however, plans the greatest escape plan ever.
...He simply asks to take a shower in which they given him, allowing him to slip through and is now AWOL. Wow, what a totally awesome plan and a really stupid army officer to think this wasn't going to go badly.
Dux heads back to California to see his master, a rather old man who once used Dux as a punching bag for his son when Dux was a teenager. Naturally, Dux and the old man's kid became friends and the kid tells our young hero that one day, he'll make his father proud and win the Kumite for him...
Naturally, that gets the poor sap killed offscreen, because if you happened to have a dozen minutes tops of screen time and declare a goal of the movie this early in an 80s flick, you're pretty much a dead man.
So of course, the old man agrees to train Dux and considers him family. Of course, in an 80s flick, we get a training montage!
My God, even Mr. Miyagi would never do this!!!
The training consists of the old man beating the everliving heck out of Dux until he became loser to goddamn martial art wielding badass, showing that he can even block a strike while blindfolded! (...Something tells me this is going to be part of the plot somehow...) After that series of trying the Rocky Balboa training method, we are back in the present (well, more like the 80s but do I honestly care?) as Dux promises his master he'll win the Kumite...I don't know, isn't that much of a stretch to just declare you're gonna win a tournament that gathers even guys who crack coconuts?
The Army, completely in disarray for the loss of one guy (I apologize to any Soldiers in case being AWOL is actually as serious as the movie suggested), hired two government agents to drag Dux's ass back to base and explain himself.
You can just tell they're gonna suck at this job.
And wow, Forest Whitaker? Why does he tend to show up in films and TV shows I least expect him to be in? Hell, he was the host for the newer Twilight Zone! They head to the old man's house demanding for Dux's location...Only to find out he already went out of the country...Super job guys.
So Dux finds himself in Hong Kong and guess what? He found two new companions on his quest to be the white guy who wins this whole damn tournament!
Ray
Jackson: Fellow American Kumite Fighter, he's actually one of the
enjoyable characters for his loud presence. Naturally, this means he's
gonna get the shaft later in this film...Damn 80s cliches.
Victor
Lin: He's mostly the tour guide for Dux and Ray...And is that guy who
explains everything in case you were sleeping the first 20 minutes in
this film.
You know, if Van Damme said no to being in this film, I'd watch it for those two...And Forest Whitaker (what? I like Whitaker). So our gang heads off to the registration, in which Dux is questioned if he actually was taught by Miyagi the 2nd (no diss on Pat Morita, Miyagi rules) and asked him to perform the Dim Mak as proof-
Wait, how does this work???
WTF?! The man just blew the last brick on the bottom while the ones on top are fine?! What the Hell is Dux, a wizard?! Naturally, everyone finds this as either cool or a sure means to give Dux death glares because he proves them all to be muggles while he has magical powers (by all means, that's blatant cheating). One of the fighters remained unimpressed, a fellow named Bolo Yeung-I mean Chong Li! Chong Li is a scary mofo who I'll label Asian Ivan Drago in this review, due to pure nostalgia and it's the fricking 80s and to Hell if I didn't mention Ivan Drago!
I must break you-I mean brick no hit back!
So we finally get things moving and we're going to soon enjoy our scenes of kick ass-Love interest?!
Her role in this film is somewhere between annoying and clearly having no idea how the Kumite works at all.
Damn it, if she's there and she can't do anything useful or have some sort of development that's worthwhile in this film then why have her in it?! I mean the whole film so far is purely about grown men beating the smeg out of each other and trust me, she tries to do something but it really doesn't help. This has to be one of those films where a love interest has no business being in but added anyway for some value I'm not sure of.
....Sometimes, the 80s can be frustrating...
So anyway, the first day of the tournament begins as they begin to weed out the guys we don't give a damn about in this film...And it's by far a lot of people. Ray goes first of our characters who we give a damn about as he demostrates his fighting style:
1. Act like an idiot and get his ass kicked around
2. Go fricking Incredible Hulk on his opponent's ass until they spurt out chunky tomato sauce.
Really Ray? Is that really your game plan? ...God, I enjoy this jackass.
Asian Ivan Drago goes next...And he owns his opponent in a brutal fashion. Then we get to learn from Victor that he's infamous for killing people in his matchs. Wait, what?! He kills people in the ring and is a well known fighter, not to mention no Westerner has ever won the Kumite...So are all these cannonfodder think they got a chance?!
Gah! That is so wrong in many levels! Let that burn into your retinas while you're at it
Dux and Ray: Are you bad enough dudes to take on Asian Ivan Drago?
Well, Dux goes next and we get to learn he has the power of owning you with no trouble. Really, he's fricking invincible in this film all the way to the final fights. I mean that's kind of predictable but are they trying to make him Kung Fu Jesus? Because these guys are my Kung Fu Jesus!
Because the messiah of Kung Fu kicks ass!
Well, the rest of the first day is mostly a few minute montage of our heroes and Asian Ivan Drago kicking ass and such under the song "Fight to Survive" by Stan Bush...And it's rather awesome!
Alright, back to the plot, Forest Whitaker and...That other guy find Dux and demands he come with them back to the States. Naturally, Dux makes them look like morons (at least he didn't ask for a fricking shower this time) and outruns them. Really, who hired these guys? You need like ten Daniel LaRusso's with Mr. Miyagi to kick Dux's ass given his track record in this film so far.
So we're back to the Kumite in the second day, where more people we couldn't less about proceed to give out awesome fights and guess what? It turns out Ray gets to face Asian Ivan Drago!
...Well, he's boned.
In what appears to be an amazing miracle, Ray actually does some damage and may actually win this with his Hulking out powers! He might-Oh god, he's dancing over the fact he actually hit his opponent...Damn it Ray. So Ray in the end suffers defeat by the brutality of Asian Ivan Drago because he had to act like a jackass...
If he dies, he dies.
You can just see I'm milking the Ivan Drago jokes here. XD
Dux is then freaking out because with his meal ticket to victory-I mean best friend being in a coma, he's screwed. I mean it's not like he'll throw Victor like a flail...because that's just too damn awesome. Really, it gets weird as Dux is then seeing the guy in his head...It's one of those times he needs a drive down a tunnelway while listening to Robert Tepper's "No Easy Out" (Hah, another Rocky joke!)
Really Dux? This is your way to calm yourself, the splits?
Really, do we really need a Jean Claude Van Damme film in the 80s having a splits scene? We have like 3 in this film already! So Dux heads to the final day of the Kumite, only to be stopped by Whitaker and the police...They get their asses kicked in the span of ten seconds (I still say bring out the Daniel-San clones if you want the job done). Finally, the two agents said fuck it and just let Dux finish the tournament because he's a royal pain in the ass. So we get our final match between Dux and Asian-Oh screw it, I'll call him Chong Li (besides, the joke is getting stale). What's strange is that the head of the tournament thinks it's cool to change the ring and have our two fighters dressed in shorts...I'm not sure what custom that is but male service ahoy!
So Dux gets knocked around until he displays his Kung Fu Jesus skills are superior to Chong Li's Brutality Fu until the bastard decided to cheat and throw dust in Dux's eyes!
Naturally, this backfires greatly.
So Dux decides to hand Chong Li his ass by giving him endless barrages of kicks that Chun-Li from Street Fighter would give props for... (What am I saying, Chun-Li is Hell better than Dux...Not the lousy movie version of Chun-Li)
So Chong Li gives up and Dux wins...Except it comes across as no surprise given the nature of the plot. Well....Ray's back in good health so yeah, he and Victor are gonna do wacky crap once more and that's a victory in my book! So our movie ends as Dux heads back to the states and proving once more that the USA during Reagans time that Althetes are America's top weapons of mass destruction!
So What do I think? The movie is just too predictable in some ways. After all, it's an 80s flick. Some scenes are fun while some are boring...Like roll your eyes boring. The plus side is mainly the fight scenes (which was actually decent to good so that's alright) and the rather nice soundtrack (most awesome crap I've listened to in an 80s flick) that is a bitch to find on the internet (although youtube has some songs). What I did enjoy was the tournament chart wikipedia made for this movie...Yeah, take it with a grain of salt if you wish.
Wait, Geese Howard from King of Fighters lost?! NO EFFING WAY!
Does Geese Howard need to choke a bitch?!
So again, it's not a bad movie but it's most not a good movie depending on your own viewings of this really weird film....Then again, the 80s made no sense and we did have Roadhouse, which is the pinnacle of weirdest crap in an 80s flick.
I hope you enjoy this review...Of this. Now I need something to get my mind off this stuff...
Matrix: Remember, Sully, when I promised to kill you last?
Sully: That's right, Matrix. You did.
Matrix: I lied.
Heh, Commando is such a ridiculous film.
-Street Fighter the Movie
-Bloodsport
-Geese Howard
-Commando
-Fist of the North Star
-Till Next time!
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